I've Never Done This Before
A few years ago, my good friends Jen and Nick asked me if I would emcee their wedding. I was incredibly flattered, and also very nervous. A wedding is a big deal! I would have to get up and speak, keep the program moving along, and try not to get upstaged by the cake (everyone gets upstaged by the cake; I’ve learned to live with that.) What if I said the wrong thing and somehow cursed their marriage?
So I did what I tend to do in those situations. When I got up to the podium that night, I told a few self-deprecating jokes about my inexperience to break the ice, got people laughing, and then moved right along. I felt better, the audience (I mean, the wedding guests who came to celebrate Nick and Jen, not sit for my open-mic night) was looser, and it was great. As far as I know, their marriage is not cursed.
But later in the evening, when we were all dancing and enjoying that fabulous cake, one of Jen’s guests came up to me to congratulate me on my speech. “You know,” she said, “you didn’t have to tell everyone this was your first time emceeing a wedding. You didn’t have to put yourself down like that. You were great!”
At the time, I was a little annoyed, like, lady, that’s my whole deal and it freaking worked. But years later, I think she might be right.
I didn’t have to preemptively cut myself down like that, or try to lower everyone’s expectations. But that tends to be my default, and it’s really hard to overcome.
Which is why I waited to share this article here. I published this piece on body neutrality in ELLE last week, and I’m proud of it for a few reasons. I’ve pushed myself to go after bigger publications last year, and landed this commission in December. I wrote about something very personal and scary to me. They wanted pictures to use with it, and let me tell you, trying to choose pictures to send into a fashion magazine is a lesson in humility.
But I also wavered on sharing it. I wanted to send it out with a host of stipulations and warnings. Hey, I know it’s voicy and written in a lighter tone to match the publication! Hey, I know other people have probably written about this more seriously, or done a deeper dive on the topic, or were more evocative in their writing! Hey, I know I’ve never emceed before, but I’ll try my best!
This idea of selling ourselves a little short, of never quite measuring up, is something I address in the ELLE essay, looking at how the attempts to be “body positive” are actually ever-moving goal posts.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to be positive. I talk to my therapist. I try to practice intuitive eating. I switched up my Instagram follows so my feed is full of people of all sizes revelling in their gorgeous bodies. But it turns out those Instagram videos aren’t helping. Instead, they’re a reminder of yet another way I’m failing my body. Now, not only am I worried that I’m the wrong size and shape, I also feel badly about not loving myself enough just the way I am.
And it’s something I notice a lot, especially in internet culture. There’s a tendency to promote ourselves, while simultaneously undercutting our own messages, so that we can lower outside expectations and not seem vain or out of touch. People announce new jobs on Twitter with the cutesy “I did a thing” message. I’ve seen a baby announcement on Instagram with the caption “some news.” I mean, yeah! I’ll say that’s some news!
Anyway, what I’m saying is I killed at that wedding, we all had a good time, the DJ played a lot of early-2000’s hits, and it’s ok to be proud of your accomplishments.
Recommendations From the Slush Pile:
Might I point you towards this newsletter, which looks at what’s to come after COVID? It is written by my friend and the aforementioned bride, Jen, and hosted by the Winnipeg Free Press.
I’ve been following the impeachment trial in the US from a few sources, but for a good primer on things, check out the Globe’s coverage.
Why aren’t more Canadians getting vaccinated against COVID?
The novel of the week is Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi. A satisfyingly sprawling, multi-generational epic.
One Last Thing:
I am…proud?…of Tony Hawk?
Also I met him in an airport once and asked for a photo like a nerd but he obliged and is very tall IRL.