Do I Want Colin Mochrie to Wish Me Happy Birthday? Yes.
Hi folks.
There’s some stuff going on today (I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s an election still happening over at our neighbour’s place) but that’s a lot to deal with and we have to keep waiting.
So while we all stew in this delightful blend of horrified reactions and stress-induced IBS, let’s think about something a little more fun: the line that separates celebrity and the commodification of celebrity that has become ever thinner!
I’m talking, obviously, about Cameo. Cameo is a site where anyone can request personalized messages from famous people to send to their friends and loved ones. The celebrities are mainly C and D listers - lots of reality television stars, Instagram and Youtube influencers, and that guy who was in that thing you liked 10 years ago but hasn’t done anything since. Every once in a while, some big names join the platform for a bit to raise money for charity, but mostly it’s contestants from the 14th season of Survivor selling anniversary greetings for $49 a pop.
In a way, the platform feels like the natural next step of celebrity. A lot of these people, these reality stars and TikTok personalities, are famous but not wealthy. They are known entities, with recognizable faces and catchphrases, but they’re not raking in money. They’re simply familiar to a certain audience. So they’re finding a way to capitalize on that fame, by selling what they have to offer - themselves. And since so many of these people became famous for talking directly to a camera, the intimacy of this medium is a perfect fit. You can direct the celebrity to talk about whatever you want, exerting some control over a relationship that has heretofore been completely one-sided.
On the other hand, Cameo exposes our collective relationship with fame and how we’re willing to pay for time with those we deem inherently special.
If I buy a ticket to see a movie with Ryan Gosling, there’s an indirect relationship between me spending money and Gosling getting richer and more famous. I’ve paid for a portion of Gosling’s time, but the fractions are skewed. I’m able to maintain a distance from the system of celebrity capitalism that I’m participating in. I’m just watching a movie!
But with Cameo, these transactions are laid bare. The exchange of money for an interaction with celebrity is made explicitly clear. Which also means that it’s a way to enforce a hierarchy of celebrities - people - with real value and currency. When I pay $60 for Drag Race Canada winner Priyanka to give me a pep talk, I’m saying this is how much you’re worth to me. And in response, the celebrities are saying this is what I’m willing to do for $60.
It’s fun. It’s unseemly. It’s an incredibly on-the-nose evolution of celebrity culture.
Which makes what I’m about to do either gross or a practical public service, depending on your view.
A Ranking of Canadian Celebrities Currently on Cameo Based on Value:
Coming in hot at #1, legendary singer-songwriter Jann Arden. For only $65 (which she says she donates to various animal charities) you can get a personalized message from Jann sent to your loved one. You absolutely CANNOT beat that value.
For the sports fans in your life, there are tons of options. But I think 4-time Olympic gold medalist Hayley Wickenheiser sending your pal a message for only $50 is hard to beat. She competed in the Olympics in two different sports! This one will work for your softball fans and your hockey fans. Superb.
Now things start getting dicey. How much are you willing to pay for irony? Personally, I think spending $33 so Tanner Zipchen (the guy who tells you to turn off your phone at the movie theatre) can send you a shout out is a solid choice. That’s a memory that will last forever.
Ok, we’re getting into big bucks here. Is a personalized message from Russell Peters really worth $500?? No. For that money you could probably get a pair of VIP tickets to his next show.
Hooo boy. Do you know what I want to spend $1200 on? A roundtrip plane ticket to Australia. A fancy laptop. A trained teacup piglet who can bring me cold drinks when I need them. Do you know what I don’t want to spend $1200 on? A message from Dragons’ Den/Shark Tank loudmouth Kevin O’Leary. Hard pass.
*It goes without saying that all of my moralizing flies out the window if any of you get me a Cameo from Colin Mochrie.*
Recommendations From the Slush Pile:
You can travel right now, but should you? (I fact-checked this story for The Walrus, so the tl;dr of it is….no, you shouldn’t.)
My pal Dan wrote about life and death during the pandemic.
If you need a visual break, please let this video of gorgeous sea slugs brighten your day.
Novel of the week: lately I’ve been thinking about one of my favourite novels, A Tale For the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki. It links a woman in Vancouver with a teenager in Japan, and explores what we leave behind online. I think I’ll reread it soon.
One Last Thing:
You know who else is on Cameo? Former Trump fixer and current disbarred attorney Michael Cohen. Enjoy!
If you want to leave a comment for me this week, please tell me who you would want a Cameo from. Most of the supporting cast of The Gilmore Girls is available, so for only $75 you can have Emily Kuroda, aka Mrs. Kim, tell you to clean your house.